Mortality
by BoomChick
Summary: Hojo has always destroyed what Sephiroth loves most, be it a thing or a person. Sephiroth should have hidden his love for Cloud more carefully. Pairing: Sephiroth/Cloud. WARNINGS: character death -multiple times-, blood and gore, torture, trauma, suicide attempts, medical experimentation, major angst. Almost all warnings apply in first chapter.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** Remember those scary warnings in the blurb? I really mean them. This story is dark dark and more dark. I was honestly conflicted about posting it at all. Continue at your own risk. Those warnings again are for **character death -multiple times-**, **blood and gore**, **torture**, **trauma**, **suicide attempts**, **medical experimentation**, **MAJOR ANGST**, and **lots of drama and gods and problems and stuff!****  
**

Really, you should probably just wait until you are feeling really stable before you read this story. I love you guys. Be careful.

Concept and cover art by **TOMOWOWO**, who is still hiding under her desk sobbing and drawing after reading what I wrote with it. You can find links to her page on my profile, and you should look her up, because you will love her. YOU WILL LOVE HER.  
Now, without further ado, the story.

* * *

**Mortality**

**Chapter One**

"I don't see what you intend to accomplish."

Sephiroth's voice was even and calm, even as he tested the restraints that held his arms to the floor. He was weak—no one could succeed so thoroughly in weakening him as Hojo. The chains clinked, but did not give. They would continue to hold steady, he was certain. He had tried many times through the years to escape the confines of Hojo's traps, but they had always held fast, and he suspected they always would.

The scientist's glasses flashed as he ducked his head, a low chuckle escaping him. The laugh sent chills down Sephiroth's spine, though he refused to allow the fear to show on his face. He knew better than to give him any reaction. Any emotion from him was encouragement to Hojo. There was no such thing as a safe response. So the best he could give was no response at all. It was his only option, especially now that his duties as General would not allow him time to recover from rough treatment at his creator's hands.

"You have been missing our appointments lately, boy," Hojo said, his voice low and filled with some sort of satisfaction that Sephiroth could not comprehend, and did not wish to.

"Is it your intent to punish me?" he asked dryly, sitting back and shifting as the chains rubbed over his wrists once again. "Because if so-"

"Oh, you I am done with," Hojo scoffed. "After all, you do not want to be here, hmm? That is why you haven't been coming, isn't it? All you ever had to do, Sephiroth, was ask. I would have stopped experimenting on you long ago."

"Really," Sephiroth drawled in disbelief. "I take leave to doubt that, Professor."

"Doubt all you like," Hojo laughed, turning to Sephiroth with a sneer. "Shall I prove it to you?"

A snap of his fingers led to a bound figure being dragged into the room by two of his guards. Sephiroth felt his blood run cold. He recognized that head of blonde hair.

–

_'Sir,' the trooper said, his voice shaking and his eyes so wide it must have burned to have them open in the cold air._

–

"What is the meaning of this?" Sephiroth snarled.

The guards unceremoniously dumped Cloud's limp form onto one of the cold metal tables Hojo used for his experiments. The cadet jolted at the freezing contact, and struggled automatically as his arms were wrenched away from his chest and shackled down to the hard surface. Sephiroth saw the moment his dazed, tired struggles shifted as he woke up fully from whatever had been done to him. He almost slipped free with a particularly hard buck and twist. Instead, he was just slammed down onto the mockery of a bed much harder, the impact wringing a groan from him.

"He is a member of Shinra's military," Sephiroth said darkly, watching Hojo and pulling experimentally against the bonds that held him down. His legs were free, but his wrists remained tightly pinned behind his back, connected to the ground by a steel plate, bolted to the floor.

"So are you," Hojo said calmly with a dismissive wave of his hand. "They won't miss one trooper. Surely you won't either."

The light in his eyes when he looked back at Sephiroth said it all. Sephiroth pulled against the chains more insistently, and let the anger boiling inside of him slip through to his face. It didn't matter if Hojo punished him. If he did, maybe he could give Cloud time—Give someone time to come save him.

"Don't you fucking dare," Sephiroth snarled at the scientist.

"Sir?" Cloud's voice was strained and rusty, as though he'd just woken up.

He must have been drugged to be brought down here, Sephiroth thought. His eyes sought him out, and Sephiroth thought his heart would stop at the concern and worry that flickered over the cadet's face. Cloud was worried about him. His chest tightened, and his breathing seized up in his chest. Hojo just smiled, and stepped up to Cloud's side, sliding gloves onto his hands.

"No," Sephiroth rasped, staring fixedly at Cloud's face. "No."

Hojo just smiled and lowered the scalpel.

Cloud's scream pierced straight through Sephiroth. His eyes widened, turning to Hojo as he jerked against the bonds. Hojo laughed and withdrew his scalpel after the first cut, letting Cloud thrash. Sephiroth pulled hard against the chains, feeling his shoulders strain, his feet slipping against the ground as he made no headway.

"Go ahead and struggle," Hojo said mildly to Cloud. "I'll wait."

"Seph," Cloud cried, his voice filled with terror and confusion.

Sephiroth saw Hojo's smile deepen, and knew they'd been found out. The man knew. He would not stop until Cloud was destroyed. Just as he'd killed the assistants who grew close to him. Just as he'd killed the kitten Sephiroth rescued in his youth. Just as he'd killed Gast. Sephiroth strained against his manacles.

"If you touch another hair on his head, I'll kill you," Sephiroth snarled, summoning his most intense glare to fix upon the scientist.

Hojo smiled slowly, and ran his gloved hand through Cloud's blond hair with an amused, wicked look in his eyes. Sephiroth jerked against the bonds as Cloud gasped at the touch, his bound hands twitching helplessly, unable to remove the parody of an affectionate gesture.

"I have touched a multitude of hairs now," Hojo said with deep amusement, meeting Sephiroth's gaze evenly. "I appear to still be ambulatory. So the experiment will continue."

"Cloud," Sephiroth said, waiting for his young lover's eyes to meet his own. The panic in them cut straight to his heart. "Cloud, be strong. I will get you out."

"He is lying," Hojo said mildly, taking the momentary break in Cloud's struggles as a chance to cinch the band holding his waist to the table, effectively ending his thrashing. "You are going to die here, boy. And he is going to watch."

"Fuck you," Cloud spat up at the scientist, his eyes blazing, even as he jerked against the manacles once more.

Hojo just smiled, braced his left hand against Cloud's chest, and then resumed cutting, siding the knife through skin that was before unscarred, and perfect—that Sephiroth had worshiped with kisses and touches so light they'd tickled and drawn a rare, perfect laugh from his bashful self-effacing lover. And as Hojo cut through skin and muscle, Cloud screamed. His screams filled the room, covering even the death-threats spilling without thought from Sephiroth's lips. And as Sephiroth turned wide, panicked eyes to him, he knew he would not be able to save him.

"_Sephiroth, I want you to meet my friend Cloud," Zack said warmly, giving the hair of the trooper standing next to him a fierce ruffle._

_ The trooper looked like he wanted to run. His eyes were wide as a startled deer's, staring up at him. Sephiroth was quietly impressed that he didn't bolt. Most non-Soldiers ran from him within a few moments. He was not an approachable person. Still, the cadet managed to sneak his hand up from his side and force it into a salute, his back straightening. Sephiroth couldn't help the flicker of a smile that flitted over his face._

_ "Good to meet you, Cloud."_

–

_"Sir, we shouldn't," Cloud whispered, pressed back against the alley wall, arching into Sephiroth's every touch._

_ "Does that mean you want me to stop?" Sephiroth purred before going back to delicately kissing down Cloud's neck as he slid the button-down shirt off of his shoulders to drop onto the filthy ground._

_ "No," Cloud whispered, his voice stronger than it had been in his objection._

_ Sephiroth smiled against his shoulder and rewarded him with a soft bite, making the young cadet gasp and arch into him. He was a bad man for doing this, he knew. But he'd seen the interest in his eyes the second time Zack dragged him along to 'hang out,' and it had still been there the third. So now they were in the alley, the cadet shirtless and panting, his hands twitching at his sides as he tried to decide where to put them on Sephiroth's body._

_ He was about to take pity on the cadet and place his hands for him, when Cloud's reticence suddenly evaporated. His fingers slid upwards abruptly, delving into the waterfall of Sephiroth's hair and cupping the back of his head, encouraging him silently to continue his pleasurable torture bringing hickeys to life on delicate skin. Sephiroth could not help the chuckle that slid from him, or the arousal Cloud's decisive motion brought._

–

"I forget how quickly non-enhanced people bleed," Hojo sighed as he peeled back the sides of the incision he'd made.

Cloud wasn't screaming anymore. He was struggling for breath, his eyes hazy, rolled back in his head. He was in shock, Sephiroth knew. His brain was stopping function. His blood was pouring down the drain under the work table as Hojo slid his hands inside his abdomen, inspecting his insides with detached interest.

"Please," Sephiroth heard himself say, his death-threats dried up by his own helplessness. "Please, stop."

"Pity I can't remove his ribs without killing him too quickly," Hojo muttered to himself, sliding his hand upward underneath the bones.

Cloud's breath seized, and he jolted automatically in the restraints.

"Please," Sephiroth choked, yanking again on his sore arms, making his wrists bleed anew. "Professor-"

"Miss his screams, boy?" Hojo drawled, smiling wickedly. "Let me help."

He pressed down on something inside Cloud's abdomen, and a reedy, powerless scream pried itself from between Cloud's lips, followed by a stream of blood trickling down from between them. His head lolled to the side, his hazy eyes staring straight at Sephiroth as he gasped for breath.

"I'm so sorry," Sephiroth whispered, as though Cloud could still hear him. "Cloud, I'm so sorry."

"Well, this will be much too quick," Hojo sighed, pulling his gloves off with a snap and dropping them onto Cloud's chest. He snapped his fingers and pointed to an assistant. "Fetch me a Phoenix Down for when he dies. In fact, fetch me the box."

"I'm so sorry," Sephiroth rasped again, twisting at his hands in their bonds, fresh hope raging through him like a disease at the thought that maybe, maybe he could dislocate his thumb before Cloud was ripped apart a second time. Maybe he could save him before Hojo tore him to shreds again. Before he died for good.

He watched as Cloud bled out, lips parted and eyes empty on Hojo's table. Watched as the man dropped a Phoenix Down onto his chest—as sliced skin knitted itself back together—as Cloud gasped inwards, arching as he was forced back into life, choking and spitting blood as his insides were healed.

"Now we can continue," Hojo said with a smile.

–

_ "Tell me your dreams, Cloud," Sephiroth murmured, stroking his fingers through soft blonde hair as they lay in bed together._

_ "My dreams?" The cadet inquired, lifting striking blue eyes to Sephiroth._

_ Sephiroth gave a shadow of a smile at the look. There was still awe in Cloud's gaze, but no terror and no hero worship. He looked up and saw him only as Sephiroth and nothing more. He rewarded him for the look with a gentle kiss to his brow, though he knew Cloud would not follow his reasoning._

_ "I want to be a Soldier," Cloud replied after a long moment. "I have since I was just a kid."_

_ "I see."_

_ "What about you, sir? What are your dreams?"_

_ Sephiroth did not reply. He just kissed Cloud's face lightly, and thought the dream to himself—the same dream he'd had his entire life. As Cloud turned over and nuzzled into his chest, Sephiroth closed his eyes, and wished quietly for freedom._

–

"Usually you stop fighting by the second hour," Hojo commented as he slid another needle into Cloud's arm, sending the gasping man into heavy convulsions.

Sephiroth strained, eyes fixed on Cloud as he foamed at the mouth and seized on the table. Maybe he could rip his arms off, he thought feverishly. If he could pull hard enough—if he could not break the chains, he would break himself. He kicked back against the chain holding him to the ground, struggling to provide enough force on his hands to break them. All the while Hojo muttered to himself, taking notes as Cloud thrashed and foamed, pathetic, sick noises wringing from him as he struggled automatically.

Sephiroth broke off his struggles for a moment, breathing heavily, as Hojo lifted another Phoenix Down twisting it back and forth between his fingers.

"Shall I bring him back this time?" The scientist asked as Cloud wheezed and choked on the table. "It only works so many times, you know. Each time it will heal less of the damage. Each time, he comes back just to experience more pain. Shall I bring him back again? Let him watch you struggle as he dies? I've brought him back once already. This Phoenix Down will work, but this will probably be his last one. I'll leave the choice to you."

Sephiroth glared at him with pure fury in his eyes, straining against his bonds. Hojo held his eyes, not smiling. His look was grim and angry. Full of bitterness and the old hatred for Sephiroth's choices that the General had known for years.

"So," Hojo said softly and darkly.

Cloud gasped pathetically under him, a rattle in his lungs that heralded death, jolting as his body gave out around him.

"Do you think you can tear yourself apart in time to save him with this one last feather," the scientist lifted the blazing plume. "Or are you going to let him die now, before I play any more games with him?"

Sephiroth lowered his head, snarling fiercely, his hair falling around his face, an utter mess from his wild and furious struggles.

"Do it," he rasped as Cloud jolted once more before groaning out a final breath, his eyes going distant and dead all over again.

"You'll fail," Hojo whispered, placing the feather down over Cloud's heart where it burned away. "And then you will know. That _you _gave him a death with so much more pain than he had to experience."

Cloud's body rebelled as he was dragged back to life. Hojo had to call his assistants over to keep him from aspirating his own vomit. Sephiroth worked at the bonds on his hands, trying not to let himself break as he watched his lover suffer as no man should be made to. His lover, who he'd only ever seen as vibrant and happy and lively.

"No," He whispered as Hojo pulled out the electrodes from the wall.

"You are the one who asked for this," the scientist said mildly, sticking the electrodes to Cloud's chest and stomach.

"Seph," Cloud choked, tears streaming from his blank eyes as he sought out Sephiroth's gaze. He couldn't focus anymore. Sephiroth could see it in the look on his face.

He tried to tell him it would be alright. He tried to tell him he would save him this time. He could say nothing. He was wordless in the face of his pain. Of the sorrow, betrayal, and exhaustion he saw in his eyes. He should have let him die, a rebellious part of him whispered. He pulled against the chains, his body screaming in pain at the movement.

"Let us see," Hojo whispered, brushing his hand familiarly over Cloud's face. "Whether electricity takes a little longer to kill such a fragile little thing."

–

_"I know we were supposed to be casual," Cloud whispered, blushing fire red behind the armful of flowers. "But, um..."_

_ "They're beautiful," Sephiroth interrupted, reaching forward to take the flowers. "Thank you."_

_ Cloud let out a breath, and gave Sephiroth a warm, glowing smile that made Sephiroth's heart warm like no one else's. He had to lean forward and kiss him. He couldn't have left that sweet smile unkissed._

_ "I think casual is overrated." Sephiroth whispered against his lips._

_ Cloud moved forward swiftly, catching Sephiroth in a hug so quickly that the general had to lift the gift of flowers out of the way of him. Unenhanced, his hold was still tight as he clung to Sephiroth._

_ "You asked me once, about my dream," Cloud whispered softly. "I just want you to know. You're part of it too now."_

_ "Thank you," Sephiroth whispered, even as he silently checked on his own dream._

_ He found it had changed too. Still 'freedom,' but now 'with Cloud.'_

–

"Do you hear that sound?" Hojo asked mildly. "That's his teeth grinding together. If I do my job right, he'll break them before he dies."

The scientist cut the current, letting Cloud drop limply to the hard table he'd been arching against as the electricity ran its terrible course. The cadet was shaking and drooling. Sobs wrung from him with every exhale. There was blood streaming out of his nose, and he'd bitten clean through his lower lip.

Sephiroth felt the manacle slip, and yanked forward, feeling horror and terror ebb in the face of the possibility that he might break free—that maybe he hadn't signed Cloud up for the most painful drawn-out death imaginable.

Hojo threw the switch again, smiling as Cloud jolted, arching hard as every one of his muscles was forced to contract.

"It won't work this time," he said loudly, over the roar of effort breaking from Sephiroth's lips. "But I'm going to put the Phoenix Down to him when he dies anyway. Just to watch your heart break. Just to see the look on your face when you realize that you killed the man you love."

"Cloud," Sephiroth choked, straining against the bonds, feeling them slip, knowing that in just another inch, in just another moment, he would be free.

But even as he thought it he saw the light leave his lover's eyes, watched him choke and stop breathing, even as the electricity kept his muscles tight and his body twitching. Sephiroth felt the scream of horror more than he heard it. It burst out of him like a force. Horror and rage built up under the surface as he watched Hojo bend over his table, laughing to himself at the pain his lover had experienced in his final moments.

And something inside Sephiroth snapped. He felt an enormous weight erupt from his back, showering blood over the wall behind him. He knew without looking it was a wing. Somehow he had always known it was there. Hojo stopped laughing. And as he looked up, Sephiroth beat the wing once, and his hands ripped free of the manacles with a snap of bone and a rip of flesh. It took less than a heartbeat for him to be at Hojo's side. For just an instant, he saw a look of pleased wonder on the Scientist's face. Then he snapped his neck, and let his body drop.

Sephiroth slammed the current off without thought. He was on auto-pilot. The assistant that moved forward to stop him, he murdered with a single kick to the chest. The other assistant ran. Sephiroth did not follow. He was free. His Cloud was-

Cloud lay still and empty on the bed, his eyes glazed and staring blankly upwards. His lips were parted, his body covered in blood. The bonds were sickeningly tight on his dead body. Sephiroth moved over, fumbling with broken hands at the bonds, snapping them without grace, gathering Cloud's corpse into his arms, not yet comprehending that he was dead. He stared down at that empty face, a look of horror permanently etched on his features, and tears drying on his cheeks.

"No," he whispered, drawing Cloud close, kneeling on the metal table to hold him.

Congealing blood soaked through the knees of his pants from the bed Cloud had been chained to. He stroked a broken, bloody hand through Cloud's hair, barely noticing as the wing dissolved behind him. His stomach twisted, rebelling against the thought of his lover's death. He looked down at Hojo's corpse, at the burning feather held in his hand. It wouldn't work, the scientist had said. Sephiroth stood anyway, carefully setting Cloud's body back on the bed. He lifted the phoenix down in both hands, his hands dripping blood onto the scientist's body and the delicate plume.

"Please work," he whispered to the feather held in his trembling hands as he brought it back to his Cloud, laying it over his chest lightly. "Please."

He covered the feather with his bloody hands, staring down at Cloud's bloody face and the bruised look of his eyes. He closed his eyes lightly, pressing down, waiting for the feather to be drawn up into his lover. The seconds ticked by, and with every moment, he felt himself draw closer to breaking.

–

_"So you really don't like movies?" The cadet asked with a smile. "Alright. Maybe we could read together tonight?"_

–

Nothing changed. No heartbeat. No vanishing of the feather. Sephiroth pressed more tightly.

–

_ "I think Zack broke me," Cloud groaned, leaning back into Sephiroth's hands with utter trust. "I love being his student. I just can't wait to get another mako infusion so I can survive it."_

–

"Save him," Sephiroth urged, staring down at his lover's face. "You have to save him."

–

_"It's beautiful," Cloud sighed, looking at the pictures of Wutai that Sephiroth was showing him. "I want to go, some day. Though maybe not to a war this time..."_

–

"If you don't save him, I will burn you to the ground," Sephiroth whispered, his eyes flaring as he gazed at his lover's face. "If he dies, I will destroy _everything_ and _everyone_. A world without Cloud doesn't deserve to _exist!_"

–

_"Thank you for inviting me," Cloud whispered, shy and pleased to be asked to go out with Zack and Sephiroth. "I'm not really used to being invited places."_

–

"But if—If you do save him, I will do anything," Sephiroth whispered, pressing down just a little more, feeling his voice shaking as his hope faded, dwindling as despair sank in, carrying with it the strange feeling of detachment that he felt in battle. "I will do anything."

–

_"Sephiroth," Cloud whispered, his eyes shining as he looked up at him without fear—without jealousy—without pity._

–

"I'll do anything..."

–

_"I love you."_

–

"I love him." Sephiroth whispered, dropping his head to rest it on Cloud's chest, choking on a sob, though he could not cry. "I love him..."

"Anything," a woman's voice whispered in the air around him, strong and dark and beautiful. "Remember your promise, Calamity's child."

His hands burned as the feather beneath them ignited. Cloud gasped in a breath, choking on his own spit.

Sephiroth moved without thought, quick as lightning, lifting Cloud into his arms, holding him close as he coughed out blood and spit and vomit, struggling to breathe. The first breath he drew was followed by a scream that filled the air, making Sephiroth's ears ring with its intensity. He tightened his hold on the little blonde, holding him as close as he dared as he felt his muscles trembled and jolted with weakness under his skin. His nose was filled with the scent of Cloud's blood, drying on his body and the floor.

"I have you," Sephiroth rasped, clinging to him as Cloud screamed and shook in his arms, hands limp and useless by his sides. "I have you, Cloud."

The screaming didn't stop, but Cloud's hands lifted, grabbing hold of Sephiroth as tightly as he could, clinging as the screams turned to sobs as they sat tangled together on the blood stained table. Sephiroth glanced down as the broken body of the man who had made his life a living hell since he was born twitched, death stiffening the husk that was all that remained of Hojo.

"Cloud, breathe," Sephiroth pleaded, hoping Cloud could hear him through the screams. "Please breathe. I cannot take you from here if you are screaming."

A choked cry of protest arose from Cloud, and the cadet's hands wrapped around Sephiroth's shoulders, clinging tightly to him, he sobbed uncontrollably into his shoulder, and Sephiroth knew he was asking the impossible of the young man he loved.

"Bite down," he urged softly. "You will not hurt me. I will take you home."

Cloud bit down, his teeth sinking into Sephiroth's shoulder even as he breathed as deeply as he could through his nose. Sephiroth lifted him, not letting his broken hands shake. He walked out of the room, clinging tightly to his love and murmuring reassurances—all the reassurances as he could, though he knew they were lies.

As he left the lab, he felt a strangeness in the outside air, and the woman's voice whispered to him again.

"A promise is a promise. When the time comes, you will be my warrior. Not the calamity's. Welcome to your new chance, Sephiroth."

Sephiroth said nothing. The owner of the voice had saved his Cloud. He would serve her, no matter how her voice made his insides churn. His Cloud was breathing, biting him, trembling under his hands, but warm, and alive. Sephiroth could feel his heartbeat against his own. Whatever it took to keep that heartbeat in the world, he would do it.

"Hojo will never touch you again," Sephiroth whispered to him, kissing his hair as he slipped inside his apartment, carrying Cloud into the bathroom and sinking into the bathtub with him, letting it stay dry and empty, pulling the curtain to cut off the outside world. "I am so sorry. He will never touch you again."

And if Cloud did not respond, Sephiroth did not blame him.

"You can scream again," he offered softly, stroking his lover's hair with shaking hands that were already healing. "You can scream, my Cloud. I have you."

Neither of them slept. They stayed up in the bathtub all night as Cloud screamed and shivered and clung. In the morning, when he was empty of screams and he looked as lost as Sephiroth had ever seen a man, he turned the shower on and washed him clean of blood, and took him to bed.

He tucked him in carefully, trying not to hesitate over the new scars marring his once-perfect skin. He dropped a shaking kiss to his wet hair, and turned to go start tea and make the calls he knew needed to be made.

He was stopped by a hand grabbing his wrist.

"Don't leave," Cloud whispered, his voice shattered from all of his screams.

"Alright," Sephiroth replied, sinking to sit on the bed next to him.

Neither of them spoke. In a few hours, Sephiroth knew the Turks would come looking for him, and he did not know what he would tell them. He knew his job was over. He knew they would probably want to kill him. They wouldn't, though. Hojo was dead. There was no one who could stop him now. And he would protect Cloud, no matter what. So long as Cloud wanted him by his bedside, that was where he would be.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:** I do hope you all remember the warnings from chapter one! They still apply, though in very different ways. I hope you all enjoy chapter two!

**Chapter Two**

Cloud did not recover himself. Sephiroth could not help him. He stayed close, though he was helpless to save the blond from the horrors that he had been through and that no power could ever remove from him. When Cloud finally fell asleep, it was exhaustion and not peace that dragged him there. He dropped into unconsciousness with a whimper of fear, uncertain what awaited him there. Sephiroth knew what he would find. There would be nothing but nightmares awaiting his lover in his mind, filled with flashing glasses. The thought of his lover having nightmares of being tortured—of Sephiroth himself bound and watching—it made him sick to consider.

He could feel himself starting to phase out into the blankness of memories that often consumed him after an experience with Hojo. The memory of snapping the man's neck lifted to the forefront of Sephiroth's mind, and he shoved himself deeper into the blankness of un-feeling that he hid within. He could not afford to let that blood-lust rise. He drifted, his hand resting on Cloud's arm.

–

_At the insistence of both Genesis and Angeal, Sephiroth once tried to report Hojo's gross misconduct towards him and his staff. It was during the war, when he was still young—when his world was still in flux. He was new to everything. From the outside, to friendship, to doctors who fixed injuries without first making them worse. It was during that time that Sephiroth attended a seminar hosted by the Turks, and learned a new name for what Hojo did to him—'Torture.' _

_ It had started out benignly enough. Vague descriptions of what they might encounter. The psychological effects and scars. How to survive. But that was not enough for Shinra. They needed to know that all of the Soldiers knew what it would look like—could envision it so that they would know it when it came._

_ It was when the pictures started that Sephiroth began to realize why the speech had made it all sound so familiar. Bound men, bodies arched and bowed in agony, or pinned down to tables. Their faces were blurred, but Sephiroth knew what they would look like. They would either be screaming in agony, or dead to the world. Because that was how he always looked. He took a deep breath, physically gripping the arm of the chair he was sitting in to keep himself still and calm._

_ It was at that moment that Tseng caught his gaze and paused in the drawling speech he'd been giving with an air of exhaustion that suggested he'd given this speech before. Sephiroth could feel his dark, clever eyes assessing all that he was._

_ "Some victims," the Wutaian man finally said, facing the young members of the military, "Will never disclose what has happened to them. It falls to you, as their comrades, to know that something is wrong."_

_ Sephiroth did not dare comment. But he felt the eyes of Genesis and Angeal upon him._

–

Sephiroth was roused from his thoughts as Cloud stirred beside him. A small, pained gasp escaped his small lover as he shifted and shuddered, hands clawing in the sheets that swaddled him. Sephiroth stroked a wide hand over his hair, hoping that Cloud would fall back into sleep quickly.

"You are safe." Sephiroth whispered as Cloud started shivering next to him.

Cloud did not respond. Sephiroth was not sure if that was because it was the wrong thing to say, or because there was no right thing to say. Instead of trying again, he held his silence and brushed his fingers through his lover's hair.

Eventually, Cloud dropped into an exhausted sleep once more, and Sephiroth let his eyes unfocus and his mind wander. He could not afford to break over what had happened to his Cloud. He could not afford to let himself be broken when Cloud needed him whole.

–

_"Why did he look at you?" Genesis demanded, whirling on Sephiroth the moment they were inside the tent, away from prying eyes and ears._

_ "I believe," Sephiroth whispered after taking a moment to assure himself that the look on his 'friend's' face was not one of jealousy, "that it was due to the fact that many of the images in his presentation resembled procedures and experiments Hojo has conducted on me."_

_ "What do you mean?" Angeal asked softly, a look like horror slowly dawning in his eyes. "You go see him every two weeks."_

_ "Yes," Sephiroth said softly. "I do."_

–

The same three knocks that had sounded every half hour like clockwork came again, and Sephiroth clenched his jaw, ignoring it once more. On the bed, Cloud gave a pathetic, ragged cough, curling in on himself slowly under the warm blankets. His skin was pale, and he had broken out in a cold sweat. Sephiroth rested his hand against Cloud's forehead, but could not tell whether the heat he found there was normal or not.

He knew it was the Turks outside. He should probably speak with them. He should speak to _anyone_. If the news of Hojo's demise and his rebellion reached the president with no explanation, it would only get worse. And yet he could not leave Cloud alone in the bedroom, shaking and nightmare-ridden. Not to speak with the Turks. Not to talk to the men who knew what Hojo did, and what had happened to Sephiroth over the years. Not to those who had known all along and had neither said nor done anything about it. He simply could not bring himself to.

He could have been free of Hojo years ago, his inner voice whispered to himself, though he knew in his heart it was not as simple as that. Not even Lazard, who had always been fond of him, was ever able to help.

–

"_I take it it didn't go well," Genesis murmured with an unsurprised sigh._

_ Sephiroth shook his head briefly, just once. Angeal looked worried—almost heartbroken—but Sephiroth chose to ignore him in favor of unstrapping his boots at the tent's entrance, unwilling to track mud inside._

_ "Why won't they help?" Angeal asked softly. "It's obvious he's abused you, so surely Lazard-"_

_ "Drop it, Angeal," Sephiroth snapped, stalking past both his friends to drop onto his cot._

_ He stayed there, unmoving, until Genesis sat lightly at his bedside an hour before wake-up call._

_ "Mr. Honor and Dreams is asleep, Seph. You can say what happened now."_

_ "Genesis-"_

_ "It will eat you up inside otherwise," His often mercurial friend warned. "You have my word, no one but the two of us will ever know. Not unless you tell them."_

_ "I-" Sephiroth started, hesitant to put what he had learned into words. "I am property."_

_ "Property?"_

_ "I do not even have a birth certificate," Sephiroth added, still not daring to face his friend for fear of what he would see in his eyes. "Only a bill of sale. Shinra owns me."_

–

Cloud jerked awake with a short scream, flailing as if fighting against restraints that no longer held him. Sephiroth moved back, letting him thrash. He knew the feeling of phantom bands, and how much worse trying to hold him still would have made it.

"You are safe, Cloud," Sephiroth said again, trying to make his voice comforting while still being audible above Cloud's strained cries.

If Cloud heard him, he didn't respond. Sephiroth watched him jerk and scream as though he were still being electrocuted, and tried not to break. He wanted to curl up with him in bed and scream in tandem with him. He had never been so helpless. Never had to watch while his world was torn apart. Not since he was a child, losing anything he loved to Hojo's fury. It brought too many memories, seeing Cloud like this. Still suffering. Still—

Sephiroth frowned deeply in fear, shifting forward, watching closely as Cloud's thrashing slowed. His body was too tired to keep up with the fear his mind was still experiencing. A trail of blood seeped down from Cloud's nose. He was pale. Paler than any normal person should be. His hair stuck to his head with sweat, and even as his eyes fell slowly closed again Sephiroth could see burst blood vessels inside. He was still injured, he realized in horror. The Phoenix Down had brought him back, but he was still hurt.

"I'll be back," Sephiroth whispered touching Cloud's head. "I need to get you a cure."

"Don't go," Cloud choked out.

Sephiroth froze. He'd thought his lover was unconscious, but as Cloud's eyes slowly opened, he realized it was only because his lover did not have the spirit to hold his gaze open any longer.

"Don't go," Cloud repeated, the words numb and slurred on his lips.

"Alright," Sephiroth whispered.

Cloud's eyes closed again. He wheezed softly as he fell still once more. Sephiroth pulled his phone out slowly. He needed the cure. He needed to protect Cloud. The only option was his one remaining friend. He made the call as quickly as he could, though he was far from specific over the phone. He was willing to call in backup, but knew full well their conversation would be heard by prying ears.

–

_"I always wanted to be a Soldier," Cloud said, looking out of Sephiroth's window at the city. "I guess I didn't know everything that would go into that. All the sacrifices."_

_ "So you've changed your mind?" Sephiroth asked, watching his lover, silently admiring his powerful stance and the handsome cut of his jaw._

_ "Of course not," Cloud replied swiftly, looking back at him in faint surprise. "Why would I change my mind? I didn't have anything before this. I didn't have any joy at all before. Now I've got you. I'd like to see anyone try to make me want to turn around."_

_ "Genesis and Angeal once thought something similar," Sephiroth warned softly. "They once loved this life."_

_ "I'm not Genesis and Angeal," Cloud replied, his gaze softening as he looked at his lover. "I'm never going to leave you behind."_

–

"Seph!" a familiar voice at the door called. "I'm coming in, so don't stab me, okay?"

Sephiroth stayed by Cloud's side, watching his smaller lover breathe heavily and shake on the bed. His mind would not stop repeating the words 'I love him.' It did him no good—it did no one any good—and yet it would not go away.

The door opened. He heard Tseng and Zack exchanging words briefly before the door closed behind him.

"Why is there a herd of turks waiting outside?" Zack called as he sauntered inside, his boots heavy on the floor. "And where are you?"

"Bedroom," was Sephiroth's only reply. He could not spare the energy to think of the turks who had knocked every half hour for the past four hours.

"The whole building is in a frenzy," Zack commented as he wandered back towards Sephiroth's room. "Even Kunsel doesn't know what's going on. Do you have any—Oh shit."

Sephiroth didn't have to look up to know Zack was in the doorway, looking at the small form sheltered in the bed. If he could tell that Cloud was broken, he could only imagine how bad it looked to Zachary, who actually had some skill in reading the emotions of others. He said nothing, staying still, letting his subordinate and friend get his footing. Zack approached slowly, and Sephiroth did not argue. He waited for the next question. He had a task for his friend, but a part of him hoped that Zack's presence and affection would have some positive effect on his poor Cloud.

"Cloud?" Zack whispered as he stepped up to Sephiroth's side, reaching out towards the shaking blond on the bed.

Cloud let out a shout as he was touched, whirling and striking without a moment's pause. Zack yelped, more in alarm than pain, and backed off, one hand pressed to his suddenly bloody nose.

Sephiroth caught Cloud around the middle, holding the struggling trooper back. Cloud's fingers dug into his arms as he thrashed against him, intent on destroying this new perceived threat to his safety.

"Easy, Cloud," Sephiroth whispered, his voice low. "Easy. It's just Zack."

Cloud stopped struggling, his eyes clearing just a little as he blinked. For just a moment recognition brightened the young man's gaze. Then Cloud turned away slowly, slumping back onto the bed and curling in on himself. Zack looked to Sephiroth with wide, worried eyes, wiping the blood out from under his already healed nose.

"What happened?"

"It's not for me to say," Sephiroth murmured. "Something terrible. He is hurt, but he does not wish to leave the apartment to seek medical attention, or to allow me to do so."

"Got it," Zack murmured, nodding firmly. "What do you need?"

"I don't want it," Cloud whispered into his pillow.

Sephiroth just lifted a hand to card it lightly through Cloud's hair.

"Come on, Spike," Zack encouraged softly. "No shame in being looked after while you're hurt."

"I'm supposed to be dead," the cadet choked out, sounding like the words hurt him to say.

"A cure," Sephiroth said after a moment, into the stunned, horrible silence that followed Cloud's painful declaration. "Or a potion. Anything. He is still injured, and I do not have the equipment to help him."

"I'll bring it," Zack whispered instantly in reply. "Just stay here, okay? I'll be right back."

"I don't want it," Cloud sobbed again, turning away from them both, balling up under the covers.

"Hurry," Sephiroth urged softly.

Zack was gone between one breath and the next, slipping swiftly out the door. Sephiroth only belatedly realized that he had not actually looked at his friend while he was in the room. He had eyes only for Cloud. The blond was letting out shaking sounds like sobs. It was a terrible noise.

"Cloud," Sephiroth said softly.

"Don't," Cloud sobbed. "Don't talk."

Sephiroth took a deep breath, and let it out slowly. He slowly rested a hand in his lover's hair, only to be shaken off quickly.

"Or touch me," Cloud added brokenly.

Sephiroth sat still for a long moment, his hand still hovering over his lover's hair, caught between affection and the cold broken shade of his General's mask, which threatened to take him over at any moment.

"I'll return in a moment," he said at last, as the series of three knocks sounded at the door once more. "I... Need the bathroom."

Cloud did not respond, but just lay still, crying quietly into his hands.

Sephiroth stepped away from the bed and into the bathroom. He did need it. He had not left Cloud's side in hours. He splashed water in his face after, wiping it off slowly. His heart was beating at breakneck pace with Cloud out of his line of sight. Now that he was not actively looking at him, he could think of nothing but the look on his lover's skin, and the terror in his eyes.

"Pull yourself together," he whispered to his reflection. "He needs you."

'He's leaving me,' a voice inside him cried out in opposition to the fierce reminder. 'He promised he would stay.'

When Sephiroth walked back into the bedroom, cloud was asleep once more, his cheeks covered in new tear stains.

–

_"I can't wait till I can start going on missions with you," Cloud sighed._

_ "I'll be your general out on the field," Sephiroth warned, relaxed on the couch as Cloud brushed his long hair for him. "We will not behave as lovers."_

_ "I know that," Cloud replied, tugging on Sephiroth's hair in reprimand and giving him a half-smile. "I just want to be able to go with you. To make sure you stay safe."_

_ "You want to protect me?" Sephiroth asked in amused alarm._

_ "Don't laugh," Cloud ordered._

_ "I would never," Sephiroth replied swiftly, choking back the urge to do just that. "Thank you. I'm flattered."_

_ "You're worth protecting," Cloud muttered to himself, ducking his chin._

–

Zack returned with the cure and news. Sephiroth took the cure from him to cast it on the sleeping Cloud. He nearly retched at the vicarious feeling of his love's wounds as he knitted torn muscles and broken teeth back into place.

_'Do you hear that sound?" Hojo asked mildly. "That's his teeth grinding together. If I do my job right, he'll break them before he dies.'_

'Shut up,' he silently urged the memory of his "Father's" voice.

"Tseng says he doesn't know how long it will be before the president issues an order." Zack said softly, the words breaking Sephiroth's dangerous train of thought. The first was watching Cloud from the doorway with a worried frown. "Apparently he already knows. I don't know _what _exactly he knows, but I'm guessing you do."

"I do," Sephiroth rasped, hoping that the sickness he felt right to the very core of him did not show on his face.

"Seph?" Zack asked softly. "Are you okay?"

Sephiroth shook his head silently and left Cloud's room. Zack followed behind him after a moment. Sephiroth stopped in the living room, turning to speak to the young man.

"I may have to leave very quickly," Sephiroth said softly and urgently. "If I do, I want you to know that it is coming. And that I am taking Cloud with me."

"Seph?" Zack whispered. "Are you going after Genesis?"

"No," Sephiroth replied, shaking his head slowly. "Whatever was between us—friendship or enmity—it is not important now. I have done something that may put me in great danger. And Cloud has been..."

"Hurt," Zack supplied after a moment. "I understand. Can't I come with you too?"

"No," Sephiroth rumbled, shaking his head slowly. "No, Zack, stay. You are a Soldier. You are the greatest Soldier in our number now, aside from myself. They will need you."

"I don't want to work for a company that would hunt you," Zack replied fiercely, catching his volume and flinching, glancing back towards Cloud's room.

"You don't even know what I've done," Sephiroth sighed.

"I know that they'll make me hunt you down," Zack said quietly. "And I know that I can't do that again."

Sephiroth gazed at his friend's bright blue eyes, and reached out very slowly. Zack held still, letting Sephiroth's hand drop slowly onto his shoulder.

"I'm sorry," Sephiroth whispered. "I always seem to leave you with the dirty work."

"Let me try to smooth things over?" Zack pleaded softly. "Before you run? You know I'm good and people, and they call me a hero now. Maybe they'll listen."

"Try," Sephiroth said after a long moment. "But if it does not work, know that I do not leave to hurt you."

"I know that, Seph," Zack said softly. "I'll get back to you, okay? Keep yourself and Cloud safe. I'll figure all this out."

"Tell Tseng to catch you up," Sephiroth said finally. "He'll know all that's happened by now."

"Hey," Zack said after a moment, reaching up to catch Sephiroth's hand as the General withdrew his touch. "I can tell you're hurting, Seph. Take care of yourself. I mean it. I know Cloud's hurt, but you are too."

"If you want to smooth things over, I would hurry," Sephiroth said slowly, turning away from Zack in a silent dismissal.

"Alright," his First said after a moment. "I'll be back soon."

–

_"I killed him," Zack whispered, standing in front of Sephiroth's desk, stock still and looking more dead than Sephiroth thought he had ever seen a living man look._

_ "Zachary-"_

_ "I killed Angeal, Sephiroth," the young First-Class whispered, the Buster sword looking strange and out of place behind his young shoulders. "How am I supposed to live with that?"_

_ Sephiroth did not have an answer for him, and eventually Zack got tired of waiting and left the room. The very next time Sephiroth saw him, the young man was laughing easily with younger recruits, patting them on their shoulders in friendly camaraderie. The sunny First had smiled and waved at him as though nothing had changed. It was so much sadder than the deadened blank look had been. And still, Sephiroth had never known what to say, so they had never spoken of it again._

–

Sephiroth stayed still a moment. The roaring in his ears was back. A rush of blood and emotion that sometimes rose up, deadening even his heightened senses to the world around him. He lifted a hand slowly, looking down at the blood stains that still pinked his otherwise corpse-pale skin. Had he really dragged that hand out of the manacles holding it only a day ago? It did not seem real. It did not seem possible. He wondered how much of the blood on his palms was his and how much of it was Cloud's.

At the thought of his lover's blood, something cut through the feeling of being stuffed with cotton. The roaring in his ears cut out. He did smell blood. It was not just a memory. He moved in a blur, dashing back to the room where he had left Cloud. He took in the scene in less than a second, and before he could even register what he was seeing he had grabbed the knife away from Cloud's arm, dragging it out of his hands.

Cloud jerked his head up, tears streaking down his eyes, his wrist bleeding sluggishly from the thin gash that he had started to inscribe up his forearm. Sephiroth stared back, saying nothing, his breath shuddering in his lungs. His hand clenched around the knife, letting the blade slice his fingers as he stared down at the sobbing young man in the corner of his bedroom and the fresh blood on his skin.

"Give it back," Cloud demanded through his tears, his shaking bloody hand reaching for the knife.

Sephiroth shook his head silently, staring at the blood dripping sluggishly from Cloud's arm. If he'd waited any longer to come back, Cloud would have...

"I'm not supposed to be alive," the blond screamed at him, still reaching for the blade, though he did not stand to approach Sephiroth. "Give me back the knife!"

"No, Cloud," Sephiroth said softly, feeling his body all but vibrating with the want to fix what was wrong with his love.

"Why did you do this to me?" Cloud sobbed, collapsing into himself when his demand was not met. "Why did you have to bring me back!?"

Sephiroth felt something shifting inside him like sickness. He turned and left the room, sliding the kitchen knife into the sink to have the blood cleaned off it later. He glanced around his empty kitchen, suddenly lost in his own familiar home.

–

_ "You cooked?" Cloud asked, sounding alarmed._

_ "You did not think I was capable?" Sephiroth asked, arching an eyebrow._

_ "It's not that," the cadet stuttered, blushing just a little, hiding the fact behind his standard-issue high-necked scarf. "You can do anything. I just never..." He trailed off, before lifting his head with a stubborn set to his jaw, as though forcing himself to speak. "I never thought you'd cook for _me_."_

–

'He isn't coming back,' a voice whispered in the back of Sephiroth's head.

The thought rang with a truth that was so absolute that it brooked no argument. Sephiroth could hardly comprehend the certainty that filled him as he thought the words. It made him weak in the knees as no injury ever could. He braced himself against his kitchen counter, shaking in the backlash of the thought. He'd saved his blond lover—he'd given him a chance to live. Hadn't he? Or was this jus ta new torture for Cloud—one of his own making rather than Hojo's?

'He wants to die,' the voice intruded again. 'You can grant him that wish.'

"He's sick," Sephiroth rasped to himself in argument with the thought. "He will recover given time and stability."

'Recover for what,' his thoughts continued bitterly as he moved to look out the window at the ugly city that surrounded him. 'For a world where even best friends abandon each other? Where the 'greater good' that is Shinra allows Scientists to torture whoever they please? Where the only things you can rely on are war and suffering?'

"Stop," Sephiroth snapped, though he knew it was his own mind questioning.

'How many times have you wished death would claim you after one of his experiments? How much better it would have been to simply die rather than facing this world. And yet you would deny Cloud that freedom. Cloud, who you claim to love.'

"What else can I do?" Sephiroth whispered, looking down at his hands.

'Kill him,' his mental voice replied, seeming so strong he almost thought he had heard it aloud.

"I can't," He rasped. "I could never. Not even to save him."

'If you will not kill him,' the mental voice replied after a long moment, 'then end this ugly world that torments him.'

"Enough," Sephiroth rasped, forcing the thoughts away and turning from his window.

He walked swiftly back to Cloud's room, trying to ignore the feeling of wrongness that seemed to have seeped into his bones, and the twisting nausea that had not left him since he heard his own mental voice suggesting that he end Cloud's life. He stepped slowly into the room, looking over to see cloud in the corner, trembling and sobbing, curled in on himself, hiding his face.

'Broken,' the voice whispered in Sephiroth's head.

–

_"He's tough, Seph," Zack said with a sigh. "He just doesn't see it in himself yet, that's all. If I didn't think he could make it in Soldier, I never would have set the two of you up."_

_ "Set us up?" Sephiroth asked, raising an eyebrow._

_ "That's not the point," Zack said with a wave of his hand. "The point is that he loves you enough to forget what he thinks of himself. That's amazing Seph. It really is. I just want to make sure you know he's not as strong as he seems sometimes. So be careful with him, okay? He's tough, but he gets hurt easily. And once he's hurt, he's stubborn enough that it's hard to help him out."_

Sephiroth impatiently shoved aside the memory, staring at the crying man he loved. His mind was in turmoil, but he did not let it show on his face. He stayed as impassive and blank as he had while slaughtering thousands in Wutai. It was the same blankness he'd hidden behind when first Genesis and then Angeal abandoned him.

Perhaps, he thought to himself with a swell of bitterness, the voice in his mind was right. A world where Cloud did not _want_ to exist was just as unworthy as one where he did not exist at all. He could tear it all down—he KNEW he could. There was a certainty deep in his bones that told him he could make the world burn. He could feel the fire spell he had mastered as a child boiling under his skin, waiting to be released.

'You promised,' a low voice whispered in his ear, dark with warning.

It was the same voice that had spoken in his ear in the labs. He'd almost forgotten. Sephiroth shrugged it off, turning away from Cloud as he considered.

"Sephiroth?" Cloud's voice barely caught on the name, coming out in a whisper.

He glanced back, watching the young man raise a shaking hand towards him without opening his blue eyes. He knew his presence was being requested. He stood across the room and watched, unable to bring himself to bridge that gap. He could not touch the man.

He could feel the fire inside himself. He looked out at the world and he felt his desire to set it ablaze grow. He would take Cloud with him.

'No,' the woman's deep voice warned, low with danger.

'Burn it,' his own internal voice argued. 'Burn it and sail the cosmos on its shell.'

Sephiroth shook his head, taking a deep breath. He felt wrong. Sick. Burning. He was on fire from within. Nothing would stop the heat—the anger. Nothing but destruction. It was the same heat that had burned inside him as he won wars. It had nothing to do with friendship and love, and everything to do with cathartic destruction—with the dismantling and destruction of everything that did not understand his pain. He lifted his hand slowly towards the window. He could practically already feel the heat of the flames that would engulf Midgar. Maybe, he thought as a slow, twisted laugh rose out of him, people would finally stop calling him 'cold.'

"Sephiroth?" Cloud cried, with more urgency this time.

Sephiroth still did not look at him. He called upon the power of his spell, feeling it leap eagerly to his command, building in power with his will, waiting to be released.

'I gave you your wish!' the dark voice of the woman Sephiroth knew must be the world's Goddess howled. It was so loud that Sephiroth dropped his spell abruptly and raised his hands to cover his ears, his head pounding from the screaming.

"Seph," Cloud called again, shifting to stand shakily, bracing himself against the dresser, his hand still outstretched.

"I gave him back to you!" The voice cried, louder than ever.

Sephiroth could not restrain the choked scream that escaped him. Surely his eardrums would rupture from the noise.

"Betrayer—fire-starter!" She howled. "I shall play none of your games! You shall obey me, or _I shall take him back!"_

Cloud's eyes rolled back, shining white. He convulsed where he was standing, just once, and then fell. Sephiroth felt his heart stop in his chest. All thoughts fled his mind. The fire vanished, as though quenched in ice water. His hands started shaking. Belatedly, he remembered to breathe.

"Cloud," he rasped, receiving no answer.

He stepped closer to his lover's body, then dropped swiftly at his side, pressing a hand to Cloud's pulse. The blond's heartbeat thundered reassuringly under his fingers. Sephiroth felt a sob wring it's way out of him as relief and terror mixed in an almost painful jumble of emotion.

'He is mine,' the dark voice of the goddess whispered in his ear. 'And therefore so are you. Turn on me again, and I will take him back, Calamity's Child.'

"Cloud," Sephiroth whispered again, curling slowly over his lover's body.

He felt aged. Trapped. He had escaped one prison to enter another. Hojo could no longer touch him or his lover. But now... Now there was an even more pervasive presence watching him, waiting for him to slip. He did not understand what was happening. His mind simply could not process it. He dropped his head onto Cloud's chest, breathing deeply against his bare skin, his eyes closed tightly. The smell of Cloud's blood was thick in the air, his wrist still dripping onto the carpet sluggishly, though it was starting to scab over.

The room was silent. Three knocks sounded, and were ignored. When Sephiroth's cellphone started to go off, he simply crushed it into powder in his pocket. He lay against the chest of the man he loved, and struggled against his own mind, and the soft, insidious voice that still whispered for him to burn.

–

_"He's just jealous," Angeal sighed, defending Genesis's fury once again._

_ "For what?" Sephiroth asked dryly._

_ "You really don't know?" Angeal replied, giving Sephiroth a look that was more sad than confused. "You need to wake up, Sephiroth. Before you drive everyone away."_

_ "I haven't driven you away." Sephiroth replied, arching an eyebrow._

_ "Wherever Genesis goes," Angeal said softly after a long moment, "I eventually follow."_

–

_ "You never change," Lazard sighed as he switched the roster to show Zack as the one with a mission to follow Genesis and Angeal._

_ "How so?" Sephiroth asked, tilting his head slowly._

_ "Nothing," Lazard replied. "I changed your mission. I'll tell Zack tonight."_

–

_ "Ow," Cloud muttered, rubbing his lower back._

_ "Sorry," Sephiroth rumbled against his neck._

_ "You're always too rough," Cloud sighed. "I guess you can't help that."_

_ "I can change," Sephiroth replied without thought. _

_ He didn't realize how terrifying the prospect that those words raised until they were already out of his mouth. He would not take them back. He would change. For Cloud. The smile that touched his lover's lips in response made him certain it was the right decision._

–

"For you," Sephiroth whispered against Cloud's chest, closing his eyes tightly. "For you. Only for you."

"Seph?" Cloud rasped, his voice distant and tired.

"I can change," Sephiroth choked out against his lover's chest, speaking more to the Goddess than to the man he loved. "I will change for you."

"I like how you are," the cadet replied blearily, almost as though he were on auto pilot.

"I know," Sephiroth whispered in response, pulling away from Cloud's chest slowly, hovering over him, stroking his fingers lightly over the sleepy man's cheek. "That is why I will."

"Mmm," Cloud hummed.

He blinked bleary eyes at Sephiroth. The General dreaded seeing the fear re-enter those eyes, as he knew it would when Cloud's mind caught up to reality, and to what had become of him the night before. He could not handle seeing the change. He hid his face against Cloud's chest, and let his lover stroke shaking fingers through his silver hair, leaving streaks of gummy blood through his silver hair.

The sound at the door was not a knock. It was a hit. They were coming. Sephiroth straightened slowly, lifting his gaze towards the door before looking down to Cloud.

"They're coming," he whispered to his lover, though he knew Cloud would not understand.

The blond blinked bright blue eyes up at him, still fuzzy after the goddess's yank. He dragged Sephiroth back down by his hair to catch him in a light kiss, sighing softly against his lips.

The people outside crashed into the door again.

'What will you do?' the Goddess whispered in his ear.

Sephiroth felt fire under his skin, and pushed it away. He rose slowly, lifting Cloud in his arms. The metal of the door creaked and groaned under the next impact. Sephiroth turned to the window and opened it slowly, stepping onto the ledge.

"Seph?" Cloud whispered in his arms.

"We're running, Cloud," Sephiroth whispered to him. "Hold on tight."

"Don't let him touch me again," Cloud whispered in Sephiroth's arms, curling tight against him, his memory obviously returning by the moment.

"I will not," Sephiroth said softly. "None of them will ever touch you again."

He heard the door to his apartment break, and allowed himself no further time to consider. The wing spread from his shoulder blade, and he leaped. For a moment, Cloud's hands tightened around him. Then they relaxed again.

"I thought you were killing us both." The cadet whispered after a moment over the rushing of the air around them as Sephiroth powered up into the sky, flying quick and fast.

"No," Sephiroth replied with a slow shake of his head. "I am taking you somewhere safe."

"I want to die," Cloud informed him, as though it were the most day-to-day thing he could think of to say.

"I love you," Sephiroth replied, not turning his gaze away from the skyline he was flying towards.

There was silence for a long while. Then Cloud turned his face into Sephiroth's coat, and his fingers tightened on his shoulders. Sephiroth held him tighter in return.

"I love you too," Cloud whispered after a long moment, drawing in a shaking breath after the words.

"Then live," Sephiroth replied. "With me. Let me make it better."

"Alright," Cloud replied, tangling one hand in Sephiroth's hair, lifting wide, luminous eyes to gaze at him. "For your sake."

Sephiroth glanced down, and was caught in the crystalline gaze. A soft kiss brushed across Cloud's lips was all he allowed himself. He had a long way to fly, and he could already hear helicopters behind them.

"Thank you," he whispered, holding his shaking lover tightly in his arms as he fled the only life he'd ever known in the hopes of finding a life where his Cloud could stand existing.

They flew for miles. Cloud never asked where they were going. Sephiroth never spoke. His wing beat against the air in steady rhythm, sending them ever further from Shinra. When Cloud fell asleep in his arms, Sephiroth allowed himself to consider pausing for the night, but quickly changed his mind. He could still see. He could fly a little further.

He landed on a mountain top much later. It was not a place he was unfamiliar with. It was the site of the one dream he'd ever allowed himself—the dream he'd harbored only after he met Cloud. He owned the cabin on this mountain top. He'd bought it after hearing Cloud complain about his lack of vacations. He had hoped to christen it joyously with his lover the very first chance the two of them got to get away from their jobs. Instead he broke down his own door and carried his lover up to the unmade bed, curling up with him tightly.

Only then did he allow himself to quietly mourn the loss of the life he had only begun to love. He only hoped that there was enough left of the man he loved in his poor, broken Cloud to make their escape and the pain he knew life would bring his lover worth it. He closed his eyes lightly, and quietly reminded himself that Cloud was alive. He was alive.

"You're alive," Sephiroth whispered to himself, burying his face in Cloud's hair as his wing curled slowly over the young man, sheltering him from the chill around them.

He only hoped that Cloud would not hate him forever for that fact.


	3. Chapter 3

**WARNINGS:** This chapter includes **Eating Disorders**, **PTSD**, **Panic Attacks**, and **other potentially triggering content**. Please take care of yourself and avoid this chapter/story if you need to!

**A/N: **I hope you enjoy this installment of the story. It's more half a chapter than a full one, but I'll put the other half up very soon!

**Chapter 3**

It was a struggle to keep anything in Cloud's stomach for the first three days after the event. He would eat, albeit quietly, but with every recurrence of the memories he could not help the sickness that overtook him. The memory was too fresh and too gut-wrenching. Sephiroth was beginning to fear that he would die no matter his efforts. He was pale all the time. He shook almost constantly. And as if that wasn't enough, the damage from one of the treatments had left him with seizures which struck him at least once a day, leaving him vacant and empty for minutes at a time. Sephiroth had to keep a constant eye on him when he was on his feet. The first seizure had caught them both off guard, and Cloud had nearly broken his skull falling off the balcony of their little house.

It was a deeper hell than any Sephiroth had experienced so far in his life.

He could not sleep. He wandered the house any moment Cloud was resting—which was often. He walked from door to door and window to window. He checked the locks, then double and triple checked them. He made endless pots of tea, and poured them out again when Cloud did not awaken while they were still hot. He brewed a fresh pot every half hour, waiting for the time his lover would wake up and accept the hydration and what comfort it could offer.

When Cloud was awake, he did not want to be touched. He would allow Sephiroth to catch him if one of his seizures caught him on his feet, but if the man was still touching him when he woke up, he lost himself to fear. Likewise if Sephiroth attempted to comfort him during one of the almost-constant flashbacks that plagued him whenever he was awake, or tried to dispel the nightmares that tortured him while he slept.

It was enough that as much as Sephiroth loved Cloud, it was almost torturous for them to be in the same room together. If not for the rare moments when Cloud lifted his hands and requested Sephiroth's touch, the ex-General would have lost his mind.

On the fourth day, Sephiroth realized what, exactly he had done. The breakdown had been held off by endless rounds checking the house and an unending exhaustion and worry from watching Cloud fall apart. That had not stopped it from appearing in its own time. He stopped dead in the kitchen, his eyes fixed on the soup he'd only just started.

He had basically just made a commitment to stay with the young man hiding in the bedroom the rest of their lives. A man he had only realized he loved four days ago when he was tortured to death in front of his eyes. And for this man, he had run from everything he'd ever known. But of course he had, because he'd watched his beautiful, wonderful lover die, over and over. Over and over. Over and-

He was in the bathroom with the door closed before he made the conscious decision to do so. White walls, tile floors—It was the closest he could come to the comforting familiarity of the pure-white labs that he had grown up in. He needed that familiarity. He needed someone to tell him what to do. But he couldn't have that. Bossy, wonderful Genesis was gone. Hojo was dead. Lazard was left far behind, as was the president. There was no one to tell him what he ought to do—where he was needed—what came next.

He couldn't breathe. He stripped his shirt off, feeling suffocated, but it didn't help.

'Panic attack,' whispered the logical part of him. It was quickly overwhelmed and drowned out by the panic of a body suddenly convinced it was dying.

His skin felt like it was boiling from within as the mako responded to the rush of helpless adrenaline. He could do nothing but choke in reedy gasps of air and cling to his own head, as though he could keep himself together through sheer force.

–

_ "Pathetic," Hojo sneered, watching the panic attack he had intentionally induced run its course. "Straighten up, boy."_

–

"I can't," Sephiroth choked out with what breath he could muster. "I can't."

The door opened. Sephiroth pushed further back into the corner of the wall and bath tub, where he was huddled. If Hojo himself was coming, he was in a world of trouble.

'Stand up,' he urged his panicking, cowering body. 'Stand up. Don't let him think he's won.'

He couldn't stand, and that fact only increased his already racing heartbeat—the terror that made him sick to his stomach and sore all over. He squeezed brightly glowing eyes shut only to be assaulted with images of Cloud's body, bowed in pain, while he sat helpless.

"Sephiroth?" Cloud's voice was soft, but it cut through the panic.

Sephiroth's eyes snapped open. That voice was real. Realer than the memories.

"What's wrong?" Cloud asked, hovering in the doorway. He looked sick. Green and thin—exhausted—terrible.

–

_ "You are the one who asked for this," the scientist said mildly, sticking the electrodes to Cloud's chest and stomach._

_ "Seph," Cloud choked, tears streaming from his blank eyes as he sought out Sephiroth's gaze. He couldn't focus anymore. Sephiroth could see it in the look on his face._

–

'Talk to him,' he silently urged himself. 'Say something. Explain!'

He said nothing. He struggled to breathe. Struggled to keep from screaming. He could not scream. He could never scream. It was against the rules. It was absolutely forbidden. Except _he_ wasn't here. _He_ was dead. He couldn't touch him ever again. He was dead—broken—empty-eyed—never going to smile at his pain ever again. Never again.

"Seph," soft hands reached down. When had Cloud gotten so close? "Are you alright?"

"Don't," Sephiroth barked, jerking back. The tile wall behind him cracked with the force of his movement. It barely registered as uncomfortable. "Don't touch me. Don't ever—Just don't!"

'He doesn't understand,' he cried out in his mind, watching the shock on Cloud's face. 'He doesn't understand what you're saying. Explain! Explain what Hojo was to you—what Hojo DID to you. Make him understand!'

He just bowed his head, clamping his hands over his ears. He couldn't stand his own internal voice, telling him what he should and should not do.

"I'm... I'm sorry," Cloud whispered in a shaking voice. "I'm sorry."

Sephiroth dragged in another shaking breath. He shuddered. He twitched. He silently cursed himself for hurting his lover, and yet could say nothing to take it back. He could barely get the breath to keep fueling his racing heart. Much less to speak clearly.

Cloud turned away. Sephiroth could only see him out of his peripheral vision. He watched him move towards the door, and wanted to call out to him—wanted to do anything to stop him. He just stayed curled in his corner. He never knew what to do. What to say. And now he must have hurt Cloud worse—more deeply—than ever before. Refusing his touch. Turning him away. Cloud was hurt so much worse. Of course he would want to leave.

He jerked his head up to look when the door closed, and froze at the sight of Cloud standing there, still on the same side of the door as him. The young blond walked over slowly, sinking down to sit in front of Sephiroth, keeping a space nearly three feet between them.

"I'm being stupid, aren't I?" He whispered, his voice still trembling, and still holding the cracking damaged quality that he'd carried since Hojo had made him scream for so many hours. "Here I am wallowing in how hurt I am, and I never even thought..."

Sephiroth shook his head silently, closing his eyes again and curling in on himself.

"Quiet," he rasped, ducking his head into his own knees. "Please."

"I'll be here when you're ready to talk," Cloud replied, curling up himself and leaning into the opposite corner of wall and bathtub, even though it jammed him down under the sink at an awkward angle.

They sat there a long while. Even though Sephiroth knew he should pull himself together quickly, it was easier said than done. His panic attacks were not frequent by any stretch of the imagination, but they were powerful when they finally struck. He sat there, shaking and breathing heavily, and across from him Cloud waited. His blue eyes wandered off sometimes, and Sephiroth could see him losing and regaining focus, struggling to keep his mind in the here and now. Once they rolled back for a moment, and Sephiroth thought he would be forced to watch Cloud crack his head on the tub as a seizure overtook him, but it was short-lived and non-eventful. By the time Sephiroth began to catch his breath, he knew it must have been hours. His internal clock said three.

"You're breathing again," Cloud said softly. "That's a start."

"You didn't have to stay," Sephiroth replied roughly.

"Yeah," Cloud said. "I did."

He closed the gap between them slowly and stiffly. He was swathed in one of Sephiroth's shirts, the long sleeves and too-big fabric made him seem even smaller. He held out his hands and waited, patiently. Sephiroth stared at his palms a long moment. They were shaking too, just like his were. He shifted slowly and took Cloud's hands in his own, if for no other reason than to support them.

"I love you," Cloud said softly.

"I'm so sorry," Sephiroth whispered in reply. "For everything."

"You're supposed to say 'I love you too,' Seph." It was the closest to a joke the blonde had come in days. His lips quirked into a stressed, strained half-smile.

Sephiroth kissed him softly in return for the words. He was surprised when Cloud's hands shifted away from his to stroke over the back of his head, drawing him down to lean against his shoulder. He didn't fight against the touch though. He rested his head lightly on Cloud's body, and let his lover stroke his fingers through his hair. He needed it, even if he could never say so. He needed to feel wanted—loved.

"You saved my life," Cloud whispered, his voice cracking even as he spoke.

"You didn't want me to." Sephiroth replied, startled to find his voice choked, as though by tears—though of course that was impossible. Hojo had taken his ability to cry from him years ago.

"I was sick," the blond replied, still brushing Sephiroth's hair. "I'm still sick. I can't even eat. I can barely close my eyes without seeing him. I don't know how to function like this. So... I have a question for you."

"I'll try to answer."

"How the hell did you survive?" Cloud's voice shook as he asked the question. "Zack told me He raised you. I thought he might have been exaggerating or pulling my leg, but the things he said to you in there..."

"Things?"

"He said... That you usually stop fighting." Cloud broke off. Sephiroth heard him gasp in a breath and let it out slowly, fighting back nausea and the flashback that had to accompany his words. "By the second hour."

Sephiroth shuddered in his lover's arms, and was strangely comforted to feel Cloud's grip tighten in return. Hojo had said that. He'd said it while Cloud suffered from injections made specifically to cause pain so intense it was fatal in high doses.

"You remember something so trivial?"

"You're never trivial to me," Cloud shook his head as he spoke, his hands tightening in Sephiroth's hair. "Nothing about you. Seph, did he hurt you like he hurt me?"

"Never like that," Sephiroth rasped, shifting out of Cloud's hold to sit up. He met his lover's gaze with urgency, intent on Cloud understanding that his heart was in no way matched. "Nothing like that."

"I know it couldn't have been exactly the same," Cloud said softly, his lower lip trembling and his eyes filled with tears. "You're still alive. But Seph, if he did these things to you, I—I need to know. I want to know."

"Not yet," Sephiroth whispered. "Later. Soon. You need to eat."

"Would you worry about yourself for five seconds?" Cloud said in frustration.

"Not until you're well," the man said firmly. "I won't give you any more horrors until we can conquer yours."

"It might take a while," Cloud whispered, his brows twisting.

"I can wait," Sephiroth promised. "You're talking to me again. You're letting me touch you. I can wait."


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N:** As usual, this story comes with lots of trigger warnings attached. In this chapter, suicide is still heavily discussed. Please look after yourselves first and foremost! (And just to make sure all you readers know, if you are EVER in trouble or feeling hopeless and could use someone to talk to, I'm always happy to talk. *hugs*)

**Disclaimer: I do not own FFVII or any of its derivative works. Please support the official games and releases!**

**Chapter 4**

_The two MPs wouldn't tell him why they'd pulled him out of class. Cloud had a sinking feeling that he knew. He'd worried about this. Some higher up must have finally started wondering about him and Sephiroth. He had no doubt that he was being marched downstairs to be given a dishonorable discharge. He put on his bravest front as he walked. He was a weak person, but he had promised himself that he would keep Sephiroth from knowing that as long as he could._

_It wasn't until they were in an elevator heading down that one of the MPs jammed a mag rod into his side and discharged it._

_Agony curled through him like a series of lighting strikes. His vision went white, and he felt it as though he were very far away when he dropped limply in the holds of the two men. He couldn't get a finger on what had changed. This couldn't possibly be normal operational procedure, could it?_

_He was vaguely aware that they were going very far down. His consciousness ebbed. The next thing he knew, there was cold metal at his back—tight bonds—unending pain—and through everything a voice that was not his howling in agony._

–

Cloud jerked awake, and managed to stifle the scream that was in his throat. Another nightmare. Another memory. They were indiscernible these days.

He dragged himself out of bed, moving to the bathroom as quietly as he could before letting the memories run their ravaging course. He always threw up after the nightmares. He couldn't help it. He needed the taste of remembered blood out of his mouth. He needed to feel something other than screams in his throat.

He just wished that he could eat enough to keep the cycle from making him sicker.

As always happened, Sephiroth appeared in the doorway almost the moment Cloud was done, ready and waiting with a cool washcloth to drape over the back of his neck and gentle hands to rest lightly on his shoulders as he rested against the toilet.

It was embarrassing. But not as embarrassing as the humiliation he'd already lived through in front of his lover thanks to Hojo. The shame of what had been done to him—of his own helplessness and his body's reactions—it was crippling. Cloud tried his best not to let it show. Sephiroth was already too worried. Worried to the point of neglecting himself, which was not and never had been what Cloud wanted.

He desperately wished he could be strong for the man he loved.

"More memories?" Sephiroth whispered softly.

"Maybe it's just food poisoning this time," Cloud said dryly, trying to joke.

Sephiroth did not laugh. He had not smiled in days—weeks, Cloud supposed. He was losing track of time.

"I'm sorry," He rasped.

"For what?" Sephiroth's lips touched the back of his neck lightly in a gentle kiss.

Cloud closed his eyes at the touch, taking a deep breath. It was hard not to panic sometimes, but he could not let himself push Sephiroth away. He'd promised to try, and more than that he'd promised himself that he wouldn't hurt the man who loved him any more than he had to.

It was the only reason he hadn't killed himself yet.

The mark on his wrist he'd made before Sephiroth stopped him had healed over days ago, but he still found himself staring at it often. He had felt death. He had felt the lifestream's gentle, loving presence. He longed for it. He had heard a deep, distant call that could only have been his father's voice. He'd sounded happy to see him.

And being jerked back to life away from the warmth over and over had been worse than any physical pain he had experienced. Which was not at all to say that the physical pain had been anything less than terrible.

He turned back to the toilet again as his stomach rebelled against his line of thinking, and closed his eyes, trying to force his mind off the subject. He was shaking under Sephiroth's gentle hands. He felt his lover's fingers brush over his ribs and hesitate there. He knew he was losing weight. He couldn't help it. He tried. He really, really tried. But even when he was attempting to convince himself he didn't want to die, his body still wasn't sure why it was alive in the first place. It seemed committed to killing him again, whether he wanted it or not.

"Will you drink some tea?" Sephiroth asked when the latest round of Cloud's sickness died down.

"I'll give it a shot," Cloud rasped, pressing his cheek against the cool porcelain. "I like holding the mug, at least."

"I'll be back," Sephiroth promised, pulling away quietly.

Cloud let the tears fall once he heard the man leave the room. His internal mantra of 'I want to die' had returned with a vengeance. He didn't dare tell Sephiroth. Not since seeing the panic attacks that his lover experienced. He couldn't stomach adding to the stress he knew Sephiroth was under, even though he knew Sephiroth would be furious and hurt if he was to learn that Cloud had withheld the suicidal thoughts from him.

It was strange. He didn't really want to die. He knew it would leave Sephiroth in hell—destroy Zack, if his friend ever caught up to them to find out. But at the same time, he couldn't help but think how much better it would be. He could be one with everything. He could forget ever having to be Cloud Strife.

He closed his eyes again, letting the tears fall off his cheeks. He was so very weak. How had he ever even considered it possible for someone as weak as him to become a soldier.

He didn't realize how much time had passed until he heard Sephiroth sit down next to him with a rustle of fabric. He didn't fight when gentle, strong hands shifted him away from the cold ceramic he'd been leaning against and pulled him to lay against his lover's warm chest instead.

"Sorry," Cloud whispered again, knowing Sephiroth would object even as he said it.

"I just wish I could help," Sephiroth replied with a shake of his head. "I wish I could make it better."

"You lived with him," Cloud whispered, pressing his face into the soft shirt Sephiroth was wearing. "How did you get past it?"

Sephiroth did not answer for a long moment. When he finally did, it was with hesitance and a strained quality to his voice.

"I didn't," his lover responded. "You can't get over something that never stopped."

"Even when you were a general?" Cloud asked softly. "Even when we were together?"

"Always," Sephiroth responded softly, brushing his fingers gently over Cloud's head. "Always."

By the time the two of them broke their hold and stood, the tea was long cold. That was alright with Cloud. He rinsed his mouth out and walked back to bed, leaving Sephiroth standing in the hallway, looking lost and tired. He didn't have the strength to save either of them. Not himself, and not the man he loved.

–

"_I love you," Cloud sighed into Sephiroth's hair._

"_So you keep saying," the general laughed. Cloud could feel his chest vibrate with the words, they were lying so close together._

"_You don't believe me?" Cloud teased, lifting his gaze to the man he had fallen for._

_Sephiroth gifted him with a small smile and shifted enough to press a luxurious kiss to Cloud's already kiss-swollen lips._

"_What do you say we try out the living room next," Sephiroth offered softly. "The kitchen was enjoyable, but I worry the floor may be a little hard for you."_

"_Alright," Cloud agreed easily. "Against the wall like in that alley?"_

"_Whatever you want," Sephiroth purred. Cloud was certain he had not imagined the light in the man's eyes._

_If Sephiroth wanted to change the subject off of love, Cloud wouldn't argue with him. He knew Sephiroth didn't love him in return. He didn't mind, so long as he got to stay._

–

How much had changed since then, Cloud thought to himself, watching Sephiroth cook from where he sat exhausted at the island counter in the kitchen of their little lodge. It seemed like years ago that he had been uncertain of Sephiroth's love for him. Now he knew that the man loved him. A part of him hated the general for it. If only Sephiroth hadn't loved him, Cloud could have ended his existence long ago. If Sephiroth hadn't loved him, Hojo might never have touched him in the first place.

"Your shivering again," Sephiroth observed, looking over to Cloud with worried eyes.

"I'm just cold all the time," Cloud whispered.

"We should take you to a doctor," Sephiroth replied just as softly, his eyebrows furrowing in concern. "That is not healthy..."

"Nothing about me is healthy," Cloud muttered, shifting to lay his head on his arms. "I don't want to go to a doctor."

Silence fell. Cloud heard Sephiroth let out a slow breath and turn back to cooking. He knew it was unfair of him to blame the man who loved him for what Hojo had done. It was so far from Sephiroth's fault. But it was so much easier than thinking of what it really was.

His torture had been a by-product. The only reason Hojo had touched him at all was to try and break Sephiroth's spirit. With a sickening twist of his stomach, Cloud knew he was right.

He smelled ginger, and briefly thought that Sephiroth was getting bold with his cooking, before remembering that strong scents were no longer necessarily real.

He felt the first wave of the seizure hit, but the next moment he was drifting, as though unconscious, yanked out of his own body by his damaged brain.

He woke up to find himself cradled in Sephiroth's arms. He must have fallen off the stool. He didn't feel any pain, so he guessed the man must have caught him before he hit the floor. Almost a pity, he thought.

"Are you back?" Sephiroth asked. He sounded strangely calm, though it was more resignation than relaxation.

"I miss Zack," Cloud responded blearily, not fighting the impulse to say the words as he usually did. The seizures always loosened his lips.

"As do I," Sephiroth replied softly, carefully helping Cloud to sit up. "I have the feeling he could help in so many more ways than I."

"It's not that," Cloud sighed. "I just know he's got to be miserable. He's already so torn up."

"I'd have taken him with us if I could," Sephiroth whispered.

Cloud looked at him and saw the same thing in his eyes he saw every day. Guilt. Exhaustion. Sephiroth didn't sleep these days, he knew. Now and then he dropped into exhausted unconsciousness for a moment or two, but never for long. He knew that was his fault too. Sephiroth would not sleep because he never knew if Cloud would hurt himself while he rested. Cloud wasn't sure he wouldn't.

"He'll catch up some day, I guess," Cloud whispered. "If he can."

"He will." Sephiroth said, standing as Cloud did, supporting him.

"Your dinner's going to burn," Cloud warned softly. "Go save it. I'll try to eat something."

A soft kiss on his hair was his answer. The hands holding him withdrew, and he watched Sephiroth walk back to the simple meal he was preparing with a distinct feeling of distance. He wondered whether he would have been half as functional if it had been him watching Sephiroth tortured. He very much doubted it. He'd probably still be hiding in his lover's arms, crying all over him. He was just that weak.

He did eat, a little. It made him feel worse, but it lightened the pain in Sephiroth's eyes. He wasn't sure why that was so very important to him.

–

"_Hey, buddy," Zack laughed, ruffling Cloud's hair fiercely. "I knew you two would hit it off!"_

"_Why's that?" Cloud muttered, pouting at his best friend. "Does he tend to like annoying blonde cadets? God, I kept saying such stupid things..."_

"_You talked to him," Zack replied, shaking his head. "And you smiled, and let yourself relax enough to say stupid things. Most people don't ever call him anything but sir, even if he invites them. Most people only see a hero or a monster, Cloudy. You've got something special."_

"_No I don't," Cloud muttered. "The only thing special about me is having you for a friend."_

"_I'm not just best friends with anyone, you know," Zack scolded. "You do have something special."_

"_And what's that?"_

"_You see a person when you look at him, Spike," Zack said fondly. "Just like you do with me. Even though we're super-powered and probably both insane. I knew he'd love that about you. And lo and behold, it turns out he loves a lot more about you, if that display out back of the bar was any indication."_

"_You were watching!?" Cloud yelped, pulling away from his friend to stare at him, wide-eyed and flaming red with an instant blush._

"_Not all of it," Zack laughed. "Just until he kissed you. You've got something double special now, Spike. You see people when you look at us, and now you have the hottest boyfriend on the planet."_

–

"_I'll fucking kill you!" Sephiroth's voice was snarling. "I will take you apart piece by piece. I will make you beg me for the sweet release of death!"_

_He wasn't even fully conscious. He was dying. He could feel it. The scientist's hands were inside him. Invading places that should never have been open to touch. His breath seized. He had to keep breathing._

_Sephiroth was screaming his name. The death threats had stopped, replaced by just his name, over and over and over. He had to keep breathing for Seph. He had to keep breathing._

–

He stayed sick. He got worse. Sephiroth stayed by his side. Kissed him when he allowed it, cooked for him when he would eat, cleaned up after him when his seizures made him sick, and always, always, always whispered that he loved him when he thought that Cloud was asleep.

–

There was no breakthrough moment. No clear ringing truth spoken by the man he loved that brought him around, or momentous event that changed him for the better.

One day, Cloud just woke up like normal, and realized that he did not want to die.

He looked over to the door of the bedroom, where Sephiroth had dozed off sitting up, guarding him. The general looked exhausted. Cloud could remember the last panic attack. Sephiroth rarely let him help anymore. He rarely let him see the panic at all. Two nights ago he hadn't been able to hide it. Cloud hadn't been able to help.

This morning, Cloud looked at the lines of exhaustion under Sephiroth's eyes and the messy fall of his hair, and wanted very much to help him.

He shifted slowly out of bed, keeping his movements careful and quiet. He walked to Sephiroth's side, shocked by how tired his lover must have been. Usually Sephiroth woke up the instant Cloud moved. He sank slowly to sit by his side, and lifted a careful hand to stroke Sephiroth's bangs back out of his face. It was probably a dangerous thing to do—after all, Sephiroth had as many nightmares as he did.

The general just turned into the gentle touch and opened his weary green eyes.

"Cloud." he whispered, his voice dulled with sleep.

"I'm feeling better today, Seph," Cloud whispered. "Will you make breakfast with me?"

The look on Sephiroth's face was one Cloud would never forget in all his days. An emotion more powerful than all the rage and fear he'd seen Sephiroth express while the man was forced to watch him be tortured. The surprise and hope that lit Sephiroth's eyes from within awakened a rush of love from Cloud like nothing he'd felt since Hojo killed him. Then Sephiroth gave a trembling, fragile smile. It was the saddest thing Cloud had ever seen.

He kissed his general's weary face, under each eye, on his brow, and finally on his lips, wanting to reassure him. Each kiss was met with a quiet breath and a gentle shift closer to the contact. When Sephiroth drew him so close he was almost in his lap, Cloud wrapped him in a hug and tangled his hands in the fall of silver hair behind his lover.

"What changed?" Sephiroth asked softly.

"I don't know," Cloud replied shaking his head quietly. "I guess you worried me enough that I had to put it aside."

"I'm sorry." his lover whispered.

"Make me pancakes," Cloud demanded, pressing a light kiss to Sephiroth's neck. "We'll call it even."

Sephiroth stood without releasing him. Even exhausted and weakened from days of inaction and worry, he still carried Cloud as though he weighed nothing at all. Cloud curled up in his arms, and let a small smile cross his lips. Maybe it was delirium making him feel better. Maybe he was finally hungry enough that even his depression was hallucinating happiness.

Or maybe he was finally starting to heal.


End file.
